my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
You can't special order awesome
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
all I know is this drummer better stop eye fucking me while he plays cowbell. it is way too early for that.
I've finally given up enough on finals week to wear the same shirt three days in a row, because I didn't take my hoodie off for the first two.
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
Randomize
