Even water is tasting like jack daniels
just bought a coffee grinder that advertiesed spacious grinding chamber...new nickname for my bedroom?
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
I don't care what you say, the fact that he's a drag queen with the same shoe size as me is reason enough to date him
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
He doesn't have much of a personality but he makes up for it with his sexual prowess
keeper.
i feel like if my pee,blood, or vomit is on it...it should belong to me by default. can we make that a rule?
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
Randomize
