Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
I've walk of shamed through this apartment complex so many times, I think people think I live here.
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
I should not be in class today. For the professors sake.
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
she and her cat are both sick as fuck so they just sat there looking at each other with her nose dripping on the cat's. both out of fucks
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
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