I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome
Skip school. Seven hour blow job Plus Disney movies. Day of champions
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
you were trying to drink the laundry detergent and yelling blue drankkkkk
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