Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
I guess I'm in a committed relationship. We just had shot 1 of 3 of Gardasil. I'm now dead inside.
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
I think we got naked. I can't remember but if you have "friends" written on your ass, then we did. Because I have "best" on mine.
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
Don't get me wrong, the sex itself is amazing, but I don't think I will EVER get used to her habit of singing lines Jesus christ super star when she is about to cum.
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
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