Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
stuck in traffic next to occupy boston. smells like patchouli and unshaven pubes
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
I wish there were birth control emojis
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
Randomize
