the chick doesn't look like she's put anything in her mouth for weeks other than his dick.
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
I don't even remember what he looks like. All I know is he's 6 foot 100. I like that.
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
There is no issue with you seeing me...morally or ethically. we'll update your resume anyway. I really need to have sex with you later. Really
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
Randomize
