you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
Barsexuality is the new black.
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
I cannot believe I said bareback movement...
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
Randomize
