I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
We took it as we must go to waffle house or else we will upset the gods.
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
Bought asot tix too. After Saturday I'm gonna be reborn like Jesus and no drugs until edc
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
Well I woke up naked, with a santa hat on, and a bag of beef jerky next to me. So yeah, I would say it was a pretty successful trolley
Don't know how your birthday has been, but mine has involved Hershey's syrup and a blowie. It's safe to say you're playing catch up.
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
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