Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
She's a freak. I've got the scars to prove it.
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
Just played slippy cup. Flip cup plus slip n slide. What did you do with your fourth of july?
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
I'd just like to inform you. That when I was at bvj the first day I was blackout drunk by noon. Get on past Chelsea's level like now. Do it for present Chelsea
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
Decisions were made. The quality of them will be judged tomorrow
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