god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
oh great. kentucky is ranked #1 in the country for child abuse. go us.
woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
He left npr on the whole time when we were doing it. ironic that i lost it on the 100th anniversary of the titanic. thanks michelle norris.
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
Randomize
