To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
sigh, if only his dick was as big as his mouth
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
If sending nudes to tinder boy is considered functional then yes.
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
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