i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
I think the threesome was inevitable when she walked out in nothing but his boxers followed by him completely naked.
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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