i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
just saw a girl who had one of those monogrammed backpacks... her initials are VAG. is this a sign?
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
Who topped off the "random beer mix" beer bong with a pinch of pepper?? All you could taste was busch and pepper...
She interrupted us having sex in the tent by threatening to kill us if we "got cum on the lasanga."
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Randomize
