my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
I just want to make mistakes. Like stds that go away with antibiotics mistakes.
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
We don't really communicate like that.
Communicate like what?
Communicate like people who want to see each other when their genitals are inside their pants.
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
Randomize
