saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
Sorry I didn't wanna double team his sister. Having whiskey dick and watching you get laid didn't sound appealing
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
she puked as i came inside her. that has to mean something.
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
Is it worth it to drive to a zoo with a high possibility of sex at said zoo?
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
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