i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
Randomize
