I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
Also there's a dick sized hole in my tights...should I be worried?
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
Yup we found her. The bouncer was carrying her out
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