Without porn, I would have few hobbies.
you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
Since when is my clitoris pierced?
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
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