I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
I could really do without pictures of your asses in my inbox. That said, I'm extremely jealous that I wasn't involved.
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
Just traded a sandwich for anxiety drugs outside the club. I fuckin' LOVE this place.
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
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