i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
i now know how you feel when you have to walk me home. she ran into a streetlight and into garbage.
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
Randomize
