Yes someone did see you carrying a beer bong on the side of coastal highway
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
your drunk ass trust falled a guy double fisting bud limes and as a result your head bounced off the patio table. So that might explain the stitches on the back of your head.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
he said he wished i had balls so he could kick me in them. then we had sex obviously
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
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