if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
i just realized i have an entire drawer dedicated to the clothes of guys ive shacked with...
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
do you remember your solution to not spill your drinks last night? .. Shots, that way you wouldnt have time to spill them. i love your drunken logic haha
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
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