I wish my penis had an off switch
Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
Her pegging playlist is all heavy metal so stay away if you wanna keep your ass intact
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