yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
you've already made the comitment to pee in public you should at least whip your dick out
R.I.P my virginity. TOD 12:37pm
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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