Ok pretty sure I just saw Mike O'Malley walking through the parking lot. I wanted to see if I followed him, would he lead me to the acro-criag, i've always wanted a crack at that bitch.
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
She's been drinking and was roller blading. I'm sure you can do the math
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
I'm. Arresyed bur sierra ue obbe of mt vet friends. I hope we can tyajk ane gwt ob the same page. Ur aweaome ttyl.
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
The last thing I remember was you puking all over the inside of my door and him yelling "PUKING RALLY!!!"
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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