clay aiken is like melissa ehteridge without the guitar.
I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
Randomize
