how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
dont worry it didnt get any better. she locked herself in his room and was screaming at the top of her lungs "IM GUNA PEE ON YOUR BED"
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
I'm a 23 year old adult who just ordered condoms online from Target because I'm still too embarrassed to buy them in the store.
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
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