I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
Sup man, did you have a 3way this month if so it would be 3 for 3 for the house
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
Cover your peen. We're going out.
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
Randomize
