I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
Sorry I didn't wanna double team his sister. Having whiskey dick and watching you get laid didn't sound appealing
Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
I try to help out whenever I can. Speaking of rough nights I woke up half naked on Brady's couch with bloody paper towels duct taped to my foot.
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
I wanna go back to school and change my major to psych just to make a case study out of her
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
Randomize
