i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
Sex was great. Left his house while he was asleep but on the plus side I was able to get gas station food.
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
Randomize
