barbara walters just said penis...
It was amazing what she could do with her one good arm.
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
Randomize
