then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
what day is it and did you see me today?
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
I admit it's going to be hard to top a limo orgy and Mcnuggets....but I have faith in you
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
Crazy fun. I think I got a concussion from a stripper
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
You can be responsible and still be on that ho life
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
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