woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
At one point in time, he cried and said I didn't appreciate him.
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
Tomorrow we start training our livers for St.Patrick's day. May God be with us.
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize
