my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
On the bright side, at least we arent the generation raised by fucked up teen moms.
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
We can just chill or day drink or smoke or watch law and order marathon or play just dance 4 or watch a movie or go to the movies or play hide and seek or hug, so many options
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
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