Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
Family of uber douches all wearing ed hardy in a hummer taking up 2 parking spots at starbucks. Please be more cliche
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
Fran... I put my tongue in somebody's gage hole last night.
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
We are making a pool on how long he stays sober this time you want in?
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
yeah i ran into him at the bar at 11pm. he started talking about engineering and the next thing i know it's 4am and i'm naked on top of him.
Randomize
