I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
I was told that I need a reference for my blow job skills. Be expecting a phone call tomorrow.
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
Randomize
