i'm sure her mom would have loved to find out her daughter has herpes via facebook
No, I'm talking to this Chinese girl. Can't understand a word she's saying, but i think i caught the word vagina a few times.
I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
i hooked up with a boy reading dear john, i have to get points for that somewhere
no he gets major points for having a girl hookup with him after reading dear john
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
DIN'T JUSGE NE.
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
I'm pretty sure when you walk down Broadway and can pick out people you've slept with.. It might be a problem. I'm leaving for rehab tomorrow.
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
Randomize
