If my boyfriend wants to eat his own jizz after masturbating, what does that make him?
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
I have so many feelings about this burrito
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
Just a little. Like do I say "hey I'm the girl that's fucking your son, nice to meet you"
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
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