I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
I do regret it. But I can't unfuck her
don't say the first was when I crawled under into the dressing room
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
I made him laugh his dick is mine
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
I hope that will b the last time i take off my pants in the chemistry building.
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