Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
I am at the gas station and there is a whole amish family here I'm not sure why the amish need gas but I think its worth investigating
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
Do you ever just admire your boobs?
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