M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
Oh yes. The girl who wanted me to watch her pee.
between no blow jobs for the rest of his life, or no cheese for the rest of his life, he chose no blowjobs. ive never felt so bad about my bj abilities before
I'm in a trailer park. But I'm not scared. The virgin always lives.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
Hes back in his dorm room dancing naked with 3D glasses on.
and he said that acid doesnt really do anything to him...
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
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