So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
I woke up to blood crusted on my face. I don't understand
team rage. no explanation necessary
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize
