90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
I just woke up. In the port-o-potty next to our tailgate. an hour after the game started. explain.
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
Its almost 1 am and u wanna get together and cry naked
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
Randomize
