I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework
Yea...but the guy who is beating me has a ponytail. So actually, I'm the winner here.
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
he said he got tested two months ago... he goes with his whole family.
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
Just put a dog collar on someone's child.....was a great hit with everyone but his mom.......I think she hates me. I'm okay.with that
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
To get him to come she paid for his uber and promised that someone in the house would give him head. it worked
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
Randomize
