By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."�
its totally unfair that im just as ill-prepared as a 16 year old but there's no tv show for 25 and pregnant.
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
Omg I joined a choir last night...
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