I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
I asked what she wanted from Hawaii. She said a baby like Aaden from JK 8.
where am I supposed to find one of those?
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
You meet the best people naked in a hot tub at 2 am.
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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