Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
shes wearing a jean skirt, its frayed. i got this
you win again, gameday.
he took off his pants and apologized in advance if I thought he was too small.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
She kept biting his ear when he was talking to people, that was only 3 drinks in...
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
put something nutritious in your body. AND NOT JUST THAT JOINT.
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
Randomize
