my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
I just got a 45 minute blow job...she literally sucked the single life outta me.
u sound so gay right now
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
You should of known that i was high if i refer to myself as melting into anything
I was looking at your nipple and it made me think of you
Well I hope so...
can we do this tomorrow? ...i accidently got high.
Randomize
