are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
I just saw someone EAT a flashcard out of frustration. Finals suck.
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
Not only does DQ have s'mores shakes, sonic has a hot dog in a pretzel bun, and Wendy's has a burger in a pretzel bun. Important things are happening.
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize
