My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
For the record I fully support drunken you in most social situations... Just not charity events.
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
im not even sure if i fucked her just woke up in her closet.
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
Bryan's allergic to that cheap detergent, so he's been naked for three days. But we're all used to it now, so the party is still on.
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
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