so i know my style isnt the best ever but u should have told me i was wearing two different shoes
It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
I think we've had way too many heart to hearts in the Mc Donalds parking lot for this to be a healthy relationship
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
Randomize
