glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
Is it okay that we fucked on my car hood, in his driveway, at 4 am with cars passing by ?
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
Randomize
