im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
everyone is single if you try hard enough
Barsexuality is the new black.
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
I checked into jail on foursquare
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
Randomize
