i was rollin on her like bob the builder
Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
i can't believe he got me to come over to him by waving a natty light at me.
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
She refered to her bed as the "cockpit"....I understand that this morning.
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
Randomize
