apparently you CAN get banned from Nascar.
I'm watching a show called "I didn't know I was pregnant" on TLC...Apparently this happens enough that there is a series
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
I think if I could use my boobs as a second pair of hands everything would be ok
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
He pretended his dick was a samurai sword and that he was slaying me with it is it bad I still wanted him to fuck me
you're welcome to come here, except my beds from ikea so it's more unstable than i am
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
Randomize
