that girl last night was a 15
wait she was 15?
no like black jack not sure if you should hit it
i always forget guys have bellybuttons
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
Randomize
