i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
Just saw a guy from Kansas and a guy from Nebraska arguing over who had less of an accent. God Bless the Midwest.
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
It was great. He never spoke.
That's not why it was great, just that's all I remember.
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
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